The Hand Puppet Movie Theatre Presents

Serenity

"Emergency Naptime Procedures Implemented"
 

Teacher:

For all you poor saps who missed the TV show, here's some handy backstory.
 
 

Student:

Centuries into the future, and we're still making redneck jokes.

 
 

River:

And there's still major problems with the education system, too.

 
 

Teacher:

Such as me jamming sharp probes into your forehead!
 
 

Alliance Scientist:

Don't worry, it's all just a dream. Or horrible nightmare.
 
 

Simon:

That's right folks, you get to see how I bust River outta this joint!
 
 

River:

Does this mean I get to impersonate Tom Cruise now?
 
 

Simon:

Thankfully I've got millions of credits at my disposal!
 
 

River:

And even more thankfully, the blue-handed dudes are AWOL in this movie.

 
 

Operative:

But I'm not! Is all that we've seen of this scene but a dream within a dream?
 
 

Alliance Scientist:

Rantyrant, I'm going to come in and yell at you ignorantly.

 
 

Operative:

That was dumb of you. But I forgive you for it. Now, whose idea was it to put a psychic in the same room as the people who know all the government's deepest, darkest secrets?
 
 

Alliance Scientist:

Um...mine?
 
 

Operative:

For that, you will die.

 
 

Alliance Scientist:

I think you've watched "The Last Samurai" a few times too many. *GURK*
 
 

Operative:

No, there is nothing wrong with my sense of morals!
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Wash:

...But apparently there's something wrong with the ship. Again.

 
 

Mal:

Alright! For all you first-timers out there, here's a lightning-round introduction to the crew! I'm the hardened, sensible captain.
 
 

Wash:

As we're crashing, of course. And I'm the sweet yet oft-sarcastic pilot.

 
 

Zoe:

I'm the resident kickass gun-wielding chick.
 
 

Jayne:

I'm the tank. I also get my own theme song!
 
 

Kaylee:

I'm the cute lil' mechanic. What, you expected a guy?
 
 

Simon:

I'm the doctor / on-board fugitive. I've also gotten way more aggressive since the TV show.

 
 

River:

I'm the crazy psychic. Mesh metal scaffolding is soooo comfy.

 
 

Fans:

Where the crap are Inara and Book?! *POUT*
 
 

Mal:

Your sis is comin' with us 'cause I say so, and because life is difficult.

 
 

Simon:

And your life will get even more difficult if she gets so much as a paper cut!
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Mal:

It's a good ol' fashioned bank heist by us truly!
 
 

River:

I'm just here to point out the idiots that might try something stupid.
 
 

Zoe:

Speaking of stupid, is this the National Bank of Lemonade Stand?
 
 

Guard:

Nobody down here in this super-secret vault but us chickens!
 
 

Reavers:

Ha-har, we're here to complicate matters!
 
 

River:

Um, my reaver-sense is tingling.

 
 

Mal:

I vote for getting the hell outta Dodge.

 
 

Random Guy:

Save me from cannon fodder status!
 
 

Mal:

Sorry chump, you're just here to provide ethical ambiguity. *KABLAM*
 
 

Reavers:

What good is being a cannibal if you can't eat 'em living?
 
 

Jayne:

See? This is what happens when you deny the tank his necessary explosives!
 
 

Reavers:

You get spikes shot through your leg!
 
 

Fans:

Owwwwwww... *HIDE LEGS*
 
 

Wash:

Somebody has to save us, kids...looks like it's me again.

 
 

Zoe:

Hole in one, baby!
 
 

Reavers:

For all your unexpected scare tactics, call 1-800-PopUp-Reavers!
 
 

Crew:

*BLAMBLAMKABLAMBLAM*
 
 

River:

Well, that was exciting. Cryptic foreshadowy dialogue, anyone?
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Mal:

That did not go over so well.
 
 

Zoe:

Especially the part where you shoved an innocent man to his death.
 
 

Mal:

Hey, that was completely okay by me! *JUSTIFYEXCUSEREASONJUSTIFY*
 
 

Jayne:

Reavers are dang creepy. Killing people is not okay! ...No wait, killing is okay. But cannibalism is right out.
 
 

Kaylee:

Sorry, I'm too busy moping over the fact that Simon's leaving.
 
 

Mal:

Why am I suddenly getting these 'Mos Eisley' vibes?
 
 

Kaylee:

Who cares? I lack sex!
 
 

Fans:

*FLOORED*
 
 

Jayne:

*GRABS POPCORN*
 
 

Fanty:

We're here for all our business needs!
 
 

Mingo:

By the way, you're bad for business.
 
 

Mal:

What is this, Let's-Blame-Mal-For-Everything Week?
 
 

River:

Mesmerized...by...dancing...octopus...
 
 

Fans:

We always knew those Japanese commercials screwed with your brain!
 
 

River:

Extreme Kickass Mode Switch: ON.
 
 

Everyone:

*ASSKICKED*
 
 

Jayne:

Mal, you better appreciate the fact that I just sacrificed any future kids of mine for you!
 
 

Simon:

Emergency naptime procedures implemented!
 
 

River:

Extreme Kickass Mode Switch: OFF.
 
 

Operative:

I always love watching "When Seemingly Innocent Girls Attack" on Fox.
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Mal:

Ahh Simon, you could've let us know your sister had a Buffy complex.

 
 

Simon:

But I know all the magic words to keep this in check.
 
 

Mal:

Doesn't mean I still can't fight you over it!
 
 

Wash:

Violence is not the answer, morons.
 
 

Mal:

But this random A/V geek hanging out in an ion cloud is.
 
 

Mr. Universe:

Looks like you've got yourself a government-planted subliminal message! I'd recommend rampant conspiracy theories and/or scrubbing the affected brain with lysol.
 
 

Simon:

So what's up with this Miranda business?
 
 

River:

If I told you that, I'd have to go sane.
 
 

Operative:

Why hello there, Inara. Mind if I make your life miserable?
 
 

Inara:

Why is it always the concubine that gets used for emotional entrapment?
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Book:

Hey, I'm still kicking! Come hang with my colony of innocent victims- I mean children.
 
 

Mal:

So, any chance we'll get to know your backstory?
 
 

Book:

Lemme think about that. No.
 
 

Fans:

ARRGH.
 
 

Teacher:

And for our next creepy dream sequence, let's all get doped up on Valium!
 
 

River:

No! Naptime is evil!
 
 

Mal:

So...Inara. Yeah. Um. Awkward conversation much?
 
 

Inara:

No, I am not staring at your sexy shirtlessness. Honestly.
 
 

Wash:

Hey guys, come quick! The Mal and Inara Show is on!
 
 

Mal:

So, I'm thinkin' we need to go save Inara.
 
 

Jayne:

And I'm thinkin' some unresolved sexual tension is getting in the way of normal brain activity.
 
 

Mal:

Quiet, you!
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Mal:

Lookit me, I can be religious too!
 
 

Inara:

What, did I need to tape a flashing sign to my head that said "Don't come, it's a trap"?
 
 

Operative:

Peek-a-boo! All your psychic runaways are belong to me.
 
 

Mal:

I learned this joke from Indiana Jones. *KABLAM*
 
 

Operative:

Too bad for you my motto is "be prepared!"
 
 

Mal:

I can still triumph the old-fashioned way!
 
 

Operative:

Oh, and I also have a black belt in Smackdown Fu.
 
 

Mal:

*SMACKDOWN FU'D*
 
 

Inara:

Women's ingenuity to the rescue. Again!
 
 

Mal:

And now, we make our smoke-and-mirrors getaway!
 
 

Operative:

...I think I am beginning to get irritated.
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Jayne:

Dunno if you've noticed, but this whole getting ourselves killed thing is stupid.
 
 

Kaylee:

I hate family squabbles.
 
 

Mal:

So does this mean we have to start dealing with our sexual tension again?
 
 

Inara:

Considering our past performance, I'd give that a big fat NO.
 
 

River:

Today was a pupil-free day and nobody told me?
 
 

Miranda:

Look, everyone! God is a psycho teen girl who doesn't wash her hair frequently!
 
 

River:

Why do I suspect this is going to quickly degenerate into a zombie flick?
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Jayne:

I've learned my lesson from Ariel. Honest!
 
 

River:

It seems you've unlearned what you have learned. *FWACK*
 
 

Mal:

Oh great, the fugitive crazy's loose in my ship. Better check the ducts!
 
 

Simon:

Ha-ha, I've outsmarted the rest of the crew and will solve this problem myself!
 
 

River:

Or I could just punch you in the throat.
 
 

Simon:

.....*GURK*
 
 

Mal:

Okay, I know you're probably mad about being locked up in the closet and called a loon, but I didn't eat your Cheez-its, honest!
 
 

River:

Ehh, I just wanted to use your interplanetary mapquest.
 
 

Zoe:

Miranda looks like a lovely planet...if it weren't surrounded by a horde of hungry reavers.
 
 

Mal:

I say we go get more Bookish advice that more definitely won't have any mind-changing repercussions.
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Wash:

Um, I don't think Book's planet is supposed to be on fire.
 
 

Kaylee:

Dead children are not good for my shiny, optomistic outlook!
 
 

Book:

Oh good, you dropped by just in time for my final words to galvanize you into action.
 
 

Mal:

You'll pull through! Isn't my constant yelling for Simon highly reassuring?!
 
 

Book:

My advice to you: save the universe, please. *DIES*
 
 

Fans:

Now we'll never get his backstory! NOOOOOES!
 
 

Mal:

You are a very evil person.
 
 

Operative:

Naw, duh.
 
 

Mal:

Character death pisses me off. And when I get pissed off, I do either very heroic or very stupid things.
 
 

Zoe:

And manage to piss the rest of us off, too.
 
 

Fans:

Wow, suddenly this movie got really dark.
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Wash:

Uggh, there is absolutely nothing good about the ship's new paint job.
 
 

Reavers:

Identification, please.

 
 

Serenity:

You don't need to see our identification.

 
 

Reavers:

We don't need to see their identification.

 
 

Serenity:

This isn't the Firefly crew you're looking for.

 
 

Reavers:

This isn't the Firefly crew we're looking for.

 
 

Serenity:

We can go about our business.
 
 

Reavers:

You can go about your business.

 
 

Serenity:

Move along.

 
 

Reavers:

Move along, move along!
 
 

Wash:

...Okay, I take that back.

 

~ Serenity ~

 

Mal:

Well, the atmosphere seems okay...if an atmosphere of creepy unease counts as "okay."
 
 

Jayne:

Anyone else feel like we've walked into a Stephen King novel?
 
 

Simon:

Uhh, Kaylee, don't turn around--
 
 

Decaying Corpse:

Hello, sweetie!
 
 

Kaylee:

OMGFREAKOUT
 
 

Simon:

Toldja so.

 
 

Camera:

Weee, I'm on a merry-go-round!
 
 

River:

Zombie corpses make the psychic River unhappy.

 
 

Mal:

We've finally traced the exposition signal to this crashed rescue thingy.

 
 

Holograph Message:

The vast majority of this planet has keeled over from an extreme case of apathy. The rest turned into reavers. And the government is to blame for it all! And oh crap, I'm about to get my face chewed off--
 
 

River:

*TOSSES COOKIES* Wow, suddenly I feel much better now.

 
 

Mal:

All those for using this to rip the Alliance a new one say aye.

 
 

Crew:

Hells yes!
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Mr. Universe:

Why sure, I'd be happy to help you guys take down the government!
 
 

Mr. Universe:

Juuuuust as soon as I collect my big fat government paych--*HURK*
 
 

Operative:

My day's not complete unless I get to stab a sucker or two.

 
 

Serenity:

Hello again, reavers! We can go about our business.

 
 

Reavers:

Yes, we know, you can go about your--*EXPLODE*
 
 

Operative:

Yessir, now that I've killed off their only contact and have a whole fleet of battleships at my command, absolutely nothing can go wrong now.

 
 

Serenity:

Surprise! We invited the entire reaver population to the party!
 
 

Operative:

.....HOLY SHAZNAK.
 
 

Wash:

Anakin Skywalker, eat your heart out!
 
 

Kaylee:

Stop blowin' holes in my ship!
 
 

Jayne:

This is why it's important to buckle uuuuup!
 
 

Mal:

I hope we aren't losing any important ship parts in this tailspin towards our eminent firey doom.

 
 

Wash:

Oh yeah? I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar!
 
 

Giant Spike:

You're a dead leaf now, dude.

 
 

Wash:

*TOTALLY UNEXPECTED IMPALEMENT*
 
 

Fans:

..........................................................WHAT.
 
 

Zoe:

No way did that just happen. Simon can fix this!
 
 

Fans:

OMGWTFFJDIAJDJASKDJAKLDJA
 
 

Mal:

Run like hell now, strangle Joss Whedon later!
 
 

Fans:

*WEEP*
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Operative:

Being the highly honorable individual that I am, I think it's time to abandon ship.

 
 

Zoe:

I am made of steel! Mostly.

 
 

Jayne:

At last, a chance to throw explosives at people!
 
 

Kaylee:

You know, it really sucks that we're going to die here.

 
 

Simon:

Especially since we never got the chance to boink.
 
 

Kaylee:

Did I say dying? I meant kicking reaver ass from here to Tuesday!
 
 

Mal:

Oh crap, it looks like someone spilled coke on the keyboard. Only a lot worse.

 
 

Buffybot:

Please leave your message after the beep. *BEEP* I got stabbed, and that sucked. But you can still save the universe!
 
 

Mal:

That was weird, but away I go!
 
 

Operative:

Uh-oh, looks like someone left the voicemail on.

 

~ Serenity ~

 

Reavers:

Open up, open up little happy meals and let us in!
 
 

Inara:

Not by the bullets in your chiny-chin-chins.

 
 

Zoe:

Getting myself killed is sounding like a better idea all the time!
 
 

Jayne:

So I'm going to drag your wounded self back here before you get any more bright ideas.

 
 

Mal:

Oh great, the computer's on the other side of a yawning chasm. Things couldn't possibly get any worse.
 
 

Operative:

Looks like you spoke too soon again!
 
 

Mal:

*SHOULD'VEAIMEDFORTHEFACE*
 
 

Operative:

*GOESCOMMANDOONCAPTAINTIGHTPANTS*
 
 

Mal:

So much for preferring a straight fight to all this sneakin' around.

 

~ Serenity ~

 

Jayne:

I think Zoe needs some band-aids.
 
 

Kaylee:

And now I've been poisoned.

 
 

Simon:

And crap, I've been shot in the stomach!
 
 

Fans:

JOSS, STOP KILLING OFF THE CREW!
 
 

Simon:

Guess I better get in the tearful goodbye speech.

 
 

River:

Like hell! Time for me to go into extreme-slayer mode.

 
 

Jayne:

This definitely can't end well.

 
 

Fans:

...For the reavers!
 
 

Mal:

These numerous unsightly wounds are nothing. I am winning, really!
 
 

Operative:

Guess I'll use my super-secret-sepukku-technique number14!
 
 

Mal:

Which I'll counter with my super-secret-kick-you-in-the-throat-technique number THIS.
 
 

Operative:

...*GUUK*
 
 

Mal:

Thank you, sweet shrapnel!

 
 

Operative:

*SPINESNAPPED*
 
 

Mal:

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you the fact that the government wants to kill you by drugging your oxygen. Have a nice day!
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Mal:

Hey, shiny people. Where's River?
 
 

River:

Finishing off a bloodbath, naturally.

 
 

Reavers:

*PWNED!*
 
 

Alliance

Holy crap, it's a teenage girl wielding some battleaxes! We better call backup!
 
 

Operative:

Ehh, whatever. My spine's too broken to care anymore.

 
 

River:

Does this mean I win?
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Mr. Universe:

I died in the arms of my beloved Buffybot.

 
 

Book:

I died encouraging our heroes onward.

 
 

Wash:

I died POINTLESSLY, no thanks to Sadistic McKillsmeoff...I mean Joss Whedon.
 
 

Inara:

And now I shall launch the ceremonial rocket of Killed Off Characters. And cut with the "that's not incense" jokes, please.
 
 

Fans:

*MOURN*
 

~ Serenity ~

 

Serenity:

At last, I get a serious tune-up!
 
 

Simon:

And the fans get to see me with my shirt off!
 
 

Kaylee:

And we get to do it in the engine room! *JUMPSSIMONSBONES*
 
 

River:

Hooray for voyeurism!

 
 

Inara:

And don't forget the symbolic repainting.

 
 

Mal:

So...are you going to try and kill us again?
 
 

Operative:

Nahh, I'm probably going to go emo about my beliefs being crushed and throw myself on my sword.
 
 

Mal:

Whatever, I'm outta here.
 
 

Inara:

Guess I'll fill in for the other two crew members that kicked it.
 
 

River:

Woo, this whole "lucidity" thing is fascinating.
 
 

Mal:

So I guess I get stuck with the moral of this story?
 
 

River:

Sure do! But since I'm psychic, I already knew it!
 
 

Serenity:

And the moral is: use better glue when puttin' me back together!